We have made it to 12/31/2019. The end of a decade. Whew what a roller coaster of a year. 2019 definitely had its ups and downs… actually started off on the up and I think we have been steadily flowing downhill at a rapid pace ever since. April was amazing, got engaged to Matt. Were working on our house, looking forward to our happily ever after.
Then May. It has always been one of my favorite months, its finally warm and sunny and the days are long again. Mother’s day, mom’s birthday, summer looming, baseball season in full force. May took a real hard left real early in the month when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We also found out that Ellison has a very rare, but very treatable, form of Von Willebrand’s disease. But, we were moving in our house, dad was starting treatment, still rolling right along with the good.
June, July, August for the most part went pretty smoothly. Other than, you know, Matt not having a job for three months. So that was fun. Get the kiddos settled in to a new school year. Matt and I had a bump in the road- I made him leave because he wouldn’t work. Three days later, he has a job and comes home. So- you can’t get a job for three months but find one in three days? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. But it is what it is.
September we were told that my dad’s chemo had not helped at all, and they could not do anything further for him. His cancer had now spread to his brain. They were giving him less than a year. We made the decision to seek treatment at Vanderbilt- i fully believe that is the best decision we could have made for him. Spent a week up there with my parents getting everything set up and seeing all the doctors, getting a treatment plan going.
October- thats when shit really hits the fan. Matt decides to pull some bullshit on taking pills he got for a broken hand. Nope. No sir, not me. He pretty much OD’s on my couch on a Wednesday night. I thought he was having a stroke or something. I pack his bags that night. We end things immediately. Done. Find out more bad news about my dad. over and over, every week. More treatment. More radiation. The cancer has spread, and spread again. They are giving him less than six months at this point, and no type of treatment is working.
November and December have kind of passed in a blur. November is super hard for me anyway, and December was a close second. The days are short and the nights seem endless, and there is never enough sun in the sky. We buy presents begrudgingly, knowing full well this is the last Christmas with my daddy. I don’t know that he really even realizes… which breaks my heart even more. He had an episode on Christmas Eve. Thank you Jesus is was just me and my mom there to see it, the kids were at their dads this year. He starts coughing, and can’t get a breath in. This goes on for a full thirty seconds probably, and I am picking up my phone to call an ambulance. His body starts curling up and it looks like he is about to go in to a full seizure. Finally he gets a breath in. It was the scariest thing i have ever seen.
Here we are now… December 31, 2019. This year has taught me a whole lot. About who I am as a person, who I am as a daughter. I am praying for an easier 2020… although what is coming looms above the horizon of really having an amazing year like a huge black cloud. I dread and look forward to the New Year at the same time. New opportunities, a new important person in my life. Just learning how to hold my breath, not overthink, and hang on for the ride.
Jenn's Navigating Her Thirties 